not your mother’s disney

Once in a blue moon we can get caught up in a relationship that we perceive to be fulfilling. Ever realized after taking a step back that it was a shit storm?

It never hits you at first. Why? Because you think you’re in a relationship with Prince Charming. Turns out he is nothing more than a charmer. If you aren’t sure what I mean he’s the guy who talks a good game. He can talk up a storm. Words words words. Problem is, words can’t carry a relationship.

Charming: He’s well spoken.
He opens your door.
He wants to take you and your mother to dinner.

Charmer: He’s well spoken with multiple women.
When he’s opening your door he’s distracting you to check out her ass.
He wants to sleep with your sister.

Once upon a few years ago I was in a very lame yet cosmopolitan magazine situation. He called it a relationship, but only to me.

What can I say? He was a sweet talker. I had been through the ringer and he spotted that a mile away. I was vulnerable and naive. I have fortunately grown miles away from that darkness but growth did not come without lessons that hit me over the head with a 2 x 4.

He wasn’t entirely at fault. I was listening to his words and not looking at his actions.

I learned a lot from that so called relationship. I learned that words aren’t actions.

He tells you he loves you but he won’t acknowledge that you are in a relationship. He never follows through and he always has an excuse, which usually consists of more words. You’d think by now I would hate words more than anything else, yet here I am writing.

Buying me stilettos cannot make up for not being around. (They’d have to be really great stilettos…I’m talking Christian Louboutin great.) There is no price tag for being present- pun seriously not intended.

I’ll take an authentic man who makes an honest living and is there when I need him over cash and prizes any day. I don’t give a twirly fuck how much money you have. Showing off is not showing up. That was my second lesson.

I also learned where I draw the line in the name of “love”. One night, over dinner, the Charmer strikes up a conversation which very quickly cut to – “How would you feel about an open relationship?” I couldn’t believe the words were coming out of his mouth- dude are you serious?? No warning, just bam! He may as well have said, “I’m done”.

No judgment. If you want to have an orgy, knock your socks off. Throw in bacon grease and firecrackers if that works for you. Go nuts. All I could say was, “Um….I’m gonna go with No.”

I knew I couldn’t wouldn’t compromise my beliefs to stay with him. He did me the biggest favor he could have done for me. At that moment, I saw things clearly and I saw him clearly. His response: “I guess we aren’t compatible.” Clearly. That was my third lesson.

In case you’re wondering, his desire for an open relationship, was that so he didn’t have to hide that he was already cheating, which I found out post mortem, illuminating my point that he was not charming at all. He was a charmer. Maybe not all charmers cheat, but this one did.

Lessons in love aren’t always easy to take. They can be gentle to be sure, but for me they usually come in the form of bone cutting-jump on the cross-shock to my system-holy shit snacks-fuck my life experiences.

I walked away from that relationship, walked back, walked away, walked back, walked away and slammed the door. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of struggle. I knew that we had a connection, I couldn’t have been more certain of that. You see, there were probably tons of things I could have or perhaps should have done differently in that relationship. I’m sure I could have second guessed myself all day long, but none of that needs to go on paper.

For the longest time I assumed that having a connection, especially one that I thought to be karmic, meant that it was supposed to work.

I didn’t understand that perhaps karma needs to be worked out by ourselves, for ourselves. That was my biggest lesson of all.

Having karma doesn’t mean that we are soul mates. Please don’t confuse the two. I do believe that every relationship, every connection, presents us with opportunities to either learn or teach. Maybe, just maybe our lessons aren’t in the way we behave in our relationship, maybe the lessons are in how we behave when it’s over.

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