on becoming a grown up

I spent seven years feeling nostalgic on the day of my wedding anniversary. I’d keep busy, trying not to remember all the good times, or the bad. He proposed on Thanksgiving, that day was usually a drag as well. This year, I forgot both days….until my best friend called me and reminded me that it had passed. See? Things change, and they pass. No matter what. I surprised myself this year, and although we have no ill feelings towards one another, I am grateful that I forgot.

What changed this year? Simple. Forgivness. I forgave him quite some time ago, but recently, I forgave myself. I forgave myself for thinking I wasn’t good enough. I forgave myself for being imperfect.

There is always going to be a grieving period after a break up, whether you wanted out or they did. Of course it depends on the depth, the amount of time, if there was trauma, no trauma….everything is relevant and every individual mourns differently. My point is that perhaps if I had known then what I know now, there may have been less suffering. I got through it. We always get through it. Sometimes the grieving process seems impossible. We can’t trust if we have anger inside of us. We can’t open up if we analyze everything. We can’t be in anything if we aren’t open to give and receive.

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The thing is, I’ve lived through every break up that I’ve ever had. Sometimes I may end it, he may end it but I will live though it. Most will be amicable. Every one of them, save one, will still be in your life. One will always be family. Some will remain close friends. Some will confuse you and you may never understand why he cried when he ended it. Some of them will be difficult to get over. Some of them will be difficult to remember. Two of them will wonder why they never married you. One will have your name forever tattooed on his wrist. Ok, so maybe that one was a bit off for getting the tattoo 15 years after you broke up……

What if we were to let go of those dirty “rules” the shoulds and should nots…what if we could shut off our minds and just be in the moment? what if we let go of the past? what if everything we went through did in fact change us, for better or for worse (hopefully for the best) gave us strength, taught us our lessons, and then we were able to let it go?

Be who you are. I’m still imperfect. Have your faults. Have awkward moments. Have a bad hair day. Say what’s on your mind without question. Be vulnerable. Remove the fear. Most of all move forward. Always move forward.

 

 

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