Monthly Archives: September 2014

When It Comes To Love: Break The Rules


“It is not night when I do see your face.” – William Shakespeare

There are no other words, in my mind, that have ever been strung together to produce such simple beauty.There is nothing more delicate than the romantic essence captured during Elizabethan times.

When I think of the term old fashioned I think of my parent’s generation. The times when men held doors open for women, brought corsages for their dates, and didn’t have sex before marirage. Men would court women. Double dates would lead to single dates. They’d ask you to go steady. You’d wear their ring on your third finger of your left hand. Maybe you’d wear his letterman jacket.

When I think of the Elizabethan period it seems like a mere fable, as if I’d be better off reading Sleeping Beauty. It is just as tangible in my mind. Truth be told, Shakespeare’s works were far more idealistic than actual courting rituals of that time.

The essence of life and love that Shakespeare conveyed has been lost over the centuries. Fairy tales appear to be just that. Do I know couples who are madly in love? Of course I do. However, society has changed greatly as it must over time. I suppose it must adapt. Rules have been made where there should be none.

We have The Notebook, The English Patient. There are still tales of romance based on our concept of modern love. If I ever rattle on about Fabio, I will implore you to read no further.

In additon to those, we have books about How to make a man fall in love with you, how to find your soulmate, how to be irresistible…10 tips to have him eating out of your hand….how to get him to leave his girlfriend….the rules? Whatever.

How to find the man of your dreams and keep him forever- by Bill Shakespeare. Can you imagine?

When did it all get so complicated? When did it all become so manufactured? These are matters of the heart…there aren’t always answers. Falling in love is not supposed to make sense.  I understand that humans are looking for that connection, for their other half. They want the one person who understands them, who acts without question, who is driven by the mere thought of them.We are in love with love. I do not beleive there is a manual.

“Here’s what love is: a smoke made out of lovers’ sighs. When the smoke clears, love is a fire burning in your lover’s eyes. If you frustrate love, you get an ocean made out of lovers’ tears. What else is love? It’s a wise form of madness. It’s a sweet lozenge that you choke on.”- Romeo and Juliet

Truth is, there is no guide at all when it comes to love. I’d rather wish people would practice how to be patient, how to not worry so much, how to let go and trust. Love appears when it appears. I’m tired of our modern day society and it’s need to tell women how they should act in order to ‘capture’ a man. No woman needs a hostage. Everyone is worthy of love.

How to act on date one: Steps one through six. How can you possibly be yourself? How can you let love in when your mind is filled with a list of do’s and dont’s. That isn’t romance. That’s boot camp. It exhausts me. Mind your feelings….don’t call him to say goodnight. He might think you like him… need to play the game. I swear these “rules” women would have me stoned in town square, but I find “rules to online dating” comical.  It’s not about the game, because love is not a game.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved. – Sonnet 116

Perhaps I’m just a dreamer. At least the little girl inside me is.  She is also scared (and scarred) yet  believes in knights, white horses and that the right kiss can wake you after being asleep for lifetimes. Then, she turned into a teenager and drank away her fears until the liquor cabinet and her heart were both dry.

So how, you ask, can I still believe in love and romance? Because that little girl will not allow me to forget. Because love is brilliant. It allows us to paint the sky without paper.

Love is not a manipulation. It shouldn’t be something that is pushed or rushed. Believe in it. Believe in crazy, wild, unpredictable love. Breathe in trust. Believe in romance. Be who you are and let love find you.

“Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.”—- Shakespeare, twelfth night


on becoming a grown up

I spent seven years feeling nostalgic on the day of my wedding anniversary. I’d keep busy, trying not to remember all the good times, or the bad. He proposed on Thanksgiving, that day was usually a drag as well. This year, I forgot both days….until my best friend called me and reminded me that it had passed. See? Things change, and they pass. No matter what. I surprised myself this year, and although we have no ill feelings towards one another, I am grateful that I forgot.

What changed this year? Simple. Forgivness. I forgave him quite some time ago, but recently, I forgave myself. I forgave myself for thinking I wasn’t good enough. I forgave myself for being imperfect.

There is always going to be a grieving period after a break up, whether you wanted out or they did. Of course it depends on the depth, the amount of time, if there was trauma, no trauma….everything is relevant and every individual mourns differently. My point is that perhaps if I had known then what I know now, there may have been less suffering. I got through it. We always get through it. Sometimes the grieving process seems impossible. We can’t trust if we have anger inside of us. We can’t open up if we analyze everything. We can’t be in anything if we aren’t open to give and receive.



The thing is, I’ve lived through every break up that I’ve ever had. Sometimes I may end it, he may end it but I will live though it. Most will be amicable. Every one of them, save one, will still be in your life. One will always be family. Some will remain close friends. Some will confuse you and you may never understand why he cried when he ended it. Some of them will be difficult to get over. Some of them will be difficult to remember. Two of them will wonder why they never married you. One will have your name forever tattooed on his wrist. Ok, so maybe that one was a bit off for getting the tattoo 15 years after you broke up……

What if we were to let go of those dirty “rules” the shoulds and should nots…what if we could shut off our minds and just be in the moment? what if we let go of the past? what if everything we went through did in fact change us, for better or for worse (hopefully for the best) gave us strength, taught us our lessons, and then we were able to let it go?

Be who you are. I’m still imperfect. Have your faults. Have awkward moments. Have a bad hair day. Say what’s on your mind without question. Be vulnerable. Remove the fear. Most of all move forward. Always move forward.



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