to my lover.

tumblr_lj246hD0Lp1qbsy78o1_500This is my armor, that I will lay gently beside us as we wrap ourselves in egyptian cotton and keep each other warm.

This is my heart that wonders if it can be brave enough to come out and play with you. I have put it back together with duct tape and honey. It seems to be beating steadily. I promise to check it on a regular basis.

These are my lips that miss your touch; your hands that graze against my cheek like the first time an artist’s brush kisses the canvas.

This is my smile….the one that has been hidden away in the bottom drawer of my antique dresser. I’m not sure how you found it under all my crumpled t-shirts.

This is my ego that I am surrending to, just for tonight…..just long enough to type these words. I am tempted to surrender tomorrow as well.

These are the stars that I lay beneath in the cold for no other reason than I know that you are under them too.

Thank you for your arms that wrap around me your affections when indentations shadowed in type are not enough. Shamefully, I crave that more often than I will tell you. I fear that your touch will remain part of my dreams……my tainted rem sleep.

Thank you for kissing me in places that do not know shadows or light…the places where band-aids won’t stick. Thank you for seeing my body as beautiful and something to be cherished. Thank you for allowing me to know yours.

Thank you for your humour that envelops me…and your moves…your beautifully maniacal crazy moves.

You are as bold as I am brazen.

Thank you for your words that show me that there is still good out there, and for the ones that make me blush even when it makes my cheeks hurt. Thank you for making the silence comfortable.

Thank you for your patience and for your kindness that entices me and forbears my unease.

And although I have no void that needs to be filled with lawfully adoring stares, I am grateful for you.

When it comes to love: the first time

Ah dating. It’s trial and error and it also involves all kinds of “firsts”.

The first (and I can’t even believe I am typing this but here it goes…) facebook message/text/phone call. You “chat”. If you’re interested perhaps there is some mild flirting involved…chat some more…usually leading up to the next first on the list.

The first date.  If it’s a blind date you may need a back up plan….a diversion…a friend with an “emergency”. Sometimes it’s necessary. I had one blind date. We ended up in a relationship.  I was fortunate to have a successful one, as were my parents. My parents met on a blind date and they have been together for 54 years…It can go either way.

We all know that the first date can be an utter nightmare. You see two or more women talking early morning in a coffee shop and one looks completely haggard? She’s a mess. Her left eye is twitching. She did not just get back from war. It was a bad first date. Trust me. I know the look.

I try never to have expectations of date number one, although I always secretly hope he opens my door. It slays me every time. First dates can be a whirlwind; the new attraction can leave you with a glimmer of something more….possible potential….perhaps a random butterfly. I could go on… but a great first date? It speaks for itself.

I prefer it when a first date goes well. Let’s be honest….you should….unless you finally had to go out with the guy from *insert religious building here* that your mother has been nagging you about since last June. The guy who hasn’t been on a date for three years unless his own mother has set him up on it. The things you do to appease your mother….

The infamous first kiss. It can knock you off balance if it’s good. If it’s great it can wreck your world and move others ….or it can be a kiss that makes you want to end the date early so you can either call your friends for emotional support or your dermatologist after your face has been ripped off.

The first time you laugh so hard with him that you actually cry….or snort. Don’t judge me. It’s happened. Fortunately, there has been no maniacal laughter or snort during a first kiss.

The first time his actions match his words. If this seems like it comes from a bad past experience, you’re right. It does. It still means the world to me. Why? Because this is when he starts to show that his word means something. His actions are the barometer for the sincerity behind those words. This first can mean more than the rest….even the kiss.

That first “moment.”…the one where you think you may be having a feeling. I love this ‘first’ because you just never know when or why it happens. It could be something romantic he says. He could have said something stupid or done some ridiculous dance move. Maybe he looked up at dinner and had food on his face or it was breakfast and you heard him slurp his coffee. Maybe it was when you heard him snore— you never know what people find endearing. There’s just no telling when that moment will be.

The first time you think….wow….he may actually be a good guy. This thought needs to occur more frequently with age, by the way. Sorry….true though.

The first time that he looks into your eyes and really sees you….this one is my very favorite.For me, there is nothing that compares to really seeing someone for the first time. It is the beginning of intimacy. A time where the layers can start to fade away because there is a developing sense of openness and honesty.

The first time you realize that neither of you mind being ridiculous in public….That being said, I must try on stupid hats of any kind (they usually come home with me).. Fine. Maybe it isn’t as romantic as the rest of the firsts on my list…but it sure is rad…and usually photo worthy.

The first time you are apart….when you feel your hands actually long for a close in distance. Always makes me wonder about that absence makes the heart growing fonder thing. Did someone across the world from another person say that one time because they were secretly cheating? Was he involved in some secret underground poker tournament and had to appease her so he didn’t have to call for 36 hours? Did a dad say it to his inconsolable daughter? I’m going to have to google that shit. Truth. Sue me.

The first time he says he wants you to be his……this also could be a rather lovely moment…or sheer disaster if you aren’t on the same page.  But if you are? It’s a knee shaker. Please don’t tell me it sounds primitive. Ok. I know it does….but I’m a romantic.

Now that there have been all those moments…those crazy, nerve wracking and beautiful ‘firsts’….the signs of trust and honesty, passion and longing, compatibility and laughter. That is the first time I can finally say…”You. I want you”.

when it comes to love…. 

everything you’ve wanted to know…..

have you heard?

my column full of sass can be found at— check it. love it.



Comtemplating profound moments….longing for more than perfect seconds…Completion or lack there of  is more confusing than i had dreamed.  Eyes filled with something I cant explain (do I have a place in them?). Reflections that make me feel like I can take over the entire world, or at least my small meaningless corner of it.  Flirting with disaster?

Time. Past (to present) has become my enemy. Wishing to erase countless moments of sad as easily as I extinguished my last cigarette…..the feeling of being so physically empty you feel like you’re being eaten from the inside out.

If you could see my reflection through the broken shards could I be more than a night? Could I be a constant? Will I remain the consistent 24? Will I hear those words recanted? The words I refuse to utter for fear of a backhanded hall pass and a designer straight jacket.

My mind plays the night on repeat, like a needle in a beautifully worn groove. My body has changed —as it must when you feel so deeply for the first time….blood coarsing through my veins because you…well. because of you. Because of your eyes that see me…your words that move me…your laughter that warms me. Because of your touch that fills me as our bodies entertwine…

I never could have imagined time passing so slowly. I never could have imagined you.Image



LAX–late. Forgot my jacket. Forgot my toothbrush. Forgot my book. Almost forgot my ass and I left two hours early.

I’m flying home to say goodbye to a dear friend and I’m deeply saddened under my armor- thick layers of denial.

I have cried almost every moment that I’ve been alone. Alone is when the reality hits. Alone is when I find fear. Fear of Sunday. Fear of goodbye.

I’ never really regretted my lack of visits until the moment I heard he was gone. I don’t think I believe it. In fact I know I do not. It’s safe up here 35,000 miles above the planet. It’s the ether. It’s not real. Nothing is real up here. I could get drunk and be a surgeon from England and no one would be the wiser.

My first flight was filled with girl scout troop leaders and I immediately thought they were a plant devised by my friends to fuck with me.


I get to see him sooner than I thought and he has been more of my thoughts than I care to admit. He has been a distant comfort and by Wednesday I may just dislike him immensely…. ( joking darlin…. But you already know how my pen rolls)

Life is filled with loss and missed moments. Live it to the fullest. Take chances. Do cartwheels on the beach. Find all the beauty that you can and love like it will rip you apart from your core.

This week will be one of contemplation as it is when someone is lost. There will be memories shared, jäger spilled and shit spoken in mass quantity.

I love you Andrew Buba Flood. You will remain with me forever. You will be in my heart and in my mind, until those cease to exist until my soul will once again recognize yours my dear friend.

I do not know what is beyond this world but I pray that there is peace in your heart, you are with your family, and that you and Josh have found PBR and a strip club.

Never forgotten,


we are no different in matters of the heart

“I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.” – The Monster.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 114 other followers